Dear Mother Nature, a small request, please... (A Cooking Disaster)

(Dear Readers,

Today's post is a slight departure from our regularly scheduled fashion programming, but it's relevant to everyone!) 

Dear Mother Nature,
While I have always respected your judgment and appreciated your design esthetic (love the amber waves of grain and purple mountain magesties!) I do have one thing that I wanted to discuss with you...

Why did you feel the need to put a tiny, dead caterpillar in my one of my sugar snap peas last week?


You know I'm trying to do this "eating healthy thing", and I figured that we were in it together! I would stop eating out so much, and this would reduce my carbon foot print.  I would eat reasonable servings of food, which would provide more for all the world's people. I also thought that me weighing a little less would put a little less strain on the earth and we would all win. So, why aren't you helping me?

How am I supposed to proceed with incorporating more vegetables into my diet when I find little, brown, dessicated caterpillars in my food!?! (I understand that it is a protein, but I get that in other ways.) You know how hard it was for me to get over the "Great Moth Hatching from my Organic Food Share Box Disaster" and the "OMG! This is what chicken wings look like BEFORE they are Cooked? Scare of 2002." You also know I still can't go near salad without fear of finding slimy brown leaves hidden in my bowl, or fear that the leaves will be coated in tiny, invisible parasites that when eaten will grow in my intestines, eventually gnawing their way out through my stomach lining. All of which could have been easily avoided by a quick stir frying. Please help! 

I realize that I am a weak human being and humbly prostrate myself before you to beg for your assistance. I know that I should not be defeated by things like eggs, chicken and dirty dishes, but it's how you made me!!!! I am weak, but I'm trying. I also know that the proper way to look at this is not "poor little me", but "Hey, this can happen to anyone. This is part of life and I am a living thing and therefore will be exposed to all forms of life." However, if you could possibly just help me a little, and not put any more bugs in my food...I would really appreciate that.

BTW...since we are chatting. If I could also ask one other favor...could you not make my cucumbers go bad so quickly? It feels like they go from perfect and firm to wet and slimy over night! This troubles me because they are about 5 inches long and well...make me think of things I'd rather not think about when I'm cooking. I would just really appreciate not picking up a cold, slimy, 5-inch-long-bumpy-thing out of my refrigerator bin...with my bare hands...that's all.

Persian Cucumber - source

P.S. If the last request is too much, then I respectfully withdraw it. (Please refer to my apology in paragraph 5.) I will just keep a calendar of when I buy cucumbers and when I have to eat them, and then I'll use gloves when I go to the refrigerator. It's cool.

Thank you in advance for your time!

Love, warm wishes and kind regards,
Merrie K.

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